Two Halves Don't Make a Whole

Trying to sort through the madness of life and relationships is never fun. Especially when you know that you have a lot of garbage to sort through.
I have a past like no one else. Not to say that yours isn't as interesting, or wasn't as difficult. Mine was just different.
I moved to D.C. to run from my past. I wanted to prove to all of the nay-sayers that I was more than the little girl that grew up in foster homes. I was more than the girl that could barely look anyone in the eyes because of her shame. I was more than the girl that was beaten and abused daily. I wanted to prove that I was not a statistic, not in the way that you usually hear of kids like me, anyway.
I wanted to show that I had potential. That I could dream big dreams and make big things happen. So, I moved. And then I moved again. And again. Now, I am thinking of moving again.
For people like me, there is a sense of safety in moving around. No one knows you. You never have to overcome your past, because with these new people, you have no past, as far as they are concerned. I was always the new kid when I was younger, so to me, it seems right. Roots only let people see you for who you really are.
The problem with good friends are that they seem to remind you of your past. I don't mean this in a negative way. They do it to help us. They want us to better ourselves and make wiser decisions than we have in the past.
Well, I made a wise decision. I am starting to dig through my 'closet,' if you will, of past relationships. I am dissecting each one, trying to find out why I am a serial dater. What is it about me that needs to have someone so close?
I've figured out a few things. One of these things is that its all an illusion. These people are never really close to me. I let them in, but not very far. They think that they are in, but just as soon as they think that, they are gone. Out of my life. Next time you see me with friends, or even a boyfriend, look closely. Everything about me is uncomfortable. I am so insecure that for people to know who I really am is impossible, for I don't even know who I am.
The second thing I've learned is that because of my insecurities I have a habit of picking men that make me feel good about myself. It doesn't matter how old or young. How smart or unintelligent they seem to be. Good looking or old & unattractive. It doesn't matter to me. These men are here, by my side simply to serve one purpose: To Worship Me.
I am not into idol worship or anything weird like that. I mean that these guys are the ones who have to continuously tell me how wonderful, beautiful, funny and smart I am. This is because I know that I am, but at the same time, I don't fully believe it. I want to, but I still hear that voice deep down inside, the one that says, "You'll never be anything. You can't make it. You are a screw up. You are ugly. You are stupid." If I have someone around whose voice is louder and more frequent than the one in my head, sometimes I think that it will all go away.
Most of the time though, these guys have their own issues. How can I be broken and need healing, and yet expect someone else to fix me? Healing comes from down deep inside. From God, from His strength.
So, my advice to myself, and to others like me, Stop looking towards someone else who's broken to fix you. Two halves don't always make a whole. At least not with people.